Life's Little Dreams
Birthdays of Solitude, Bucket Lists, and Intentional Living
June 01, 2024
Happy Birthday! Happy Pride! Happy National Trails Day!
Last time my birthday fell on National Trails Day, I woke for a sunrise hike to the Deerfield Hills overlook. I watercolored the bend in the river where the trees full of oriole nests overhang the creek and muskrats swim back and forth for fish.
I didn’t realize it was National Trails Day today until it was fairly late. I missed the post office for an urgent package to send. We were hungry and stressed from cleaning the house all day for guests. I dashed out for a bit of muggy air and cheesecake.
The last few years my birthday has been a lonely affair. Not that they’ve been sad or bad. I like living alone, and I love my career as an Interpretive Naturalist which often has me living in beautiful parks across the country. But that also means I lived in places with no cell service. The grocery stores were an hour or more away. I am usually only there for a month or two before my birthday so it’s never much time to get to know the place or people.
And to be honest, I usually don’t make many friends in the community. Coworkers and calling home to friends and family in Michigan have been the extent of my social relations while in this career. That’s part of why I look forward to a permanent position. I prefer to invest deeply in my local community both in my work and personal life.
During these times, I’ve come to celebrate my birthdays with intentionality in my solitude. One year I finally paddleboarded the lake I lived on. It was magical and full of herons and bald eagles and fish. Not a boat around on a Monday morning. Still waters and perfect weather. I saw the lake from angles I’d only dreamed about over the last two seasons of working there.
I meant for that morning to be an intentional opening of the promise summer held in little adventures on the lake. I always mean for June 01 to be a model day for how I’ll spend the summer.
Last year, I went down to the river and found a place where the rocks echo back. I sang happy birthday to myself and rock hunted for perfect palm rocks. I held them for a while and put them back. I swam in the river. I watched the vultures circle and roost on the cliffs. Two deer waded across the river while I sat there. Fireflies came out and twinkled along the road as I walked back.
I thought I’d be down at the river more often. This was supposed to be my sacred promise to myself. In reality, I rarely went unless Robert was there. And the summer before I only paddleboarded one or two more times.
It’s not as though June 01 is any different from all the rest of my days off in the summer. Sometimes I regret not getting out more and exploring the parks I’m at. At least there is still the sacredness in living my birth day to its fullest. I treasure those moments all the more for being one of the few I live out my dreams.
After I paddleboarded, I went out for breakfast, as I usually do on my solitary birthdays, by driving an hour to town to get delicious eggs and hashbrowns. Then comes the obligatory grocery shopping since I am so far out there. Same the next year. Breakfast then town chores. Sometimes I check my texts and voicemail for well wishes. Usually I hold my birthday in sacred solitude and refrain from responding till next time I am in town with cell service. It is nice to hear a lone Happy Birthday song or two though.
Rather than get together with friends and family who all live across the country, I take myself to the grocery store and buy a small cheesecake, a delicacy to delish in. Cheesecake is nostalgic as a rarity. My mom loves cheesecake. I’m pretty sure my dad does too. I adore cheesecake. Yet we almost never had it unless someone brought it to a potluck.
As an adult, I eat cheesecake on my birthday to surround myself with feelings of celebration and special occasion. I eat cheesecake and feel embraced by nostalgia, a feeling close to the sense of family that’s so far away. It’s funny because I can’t recall any specific occasion I ever had cheesecake on my birthday. We were almost strictly a make-your-own cake family.
Perhaps that’s why I buy cheesecake for myself as an adult. It’s a luxury I wasn’t given as a child. It’s a way to reassure myself I’ve made it another year in this wild life. I am an adult, and I can choose luxury and indulgence, even if it’s just on my birthday.
But also I hate baking cakes for myself because I’m left with so much sugary food afterwards. A slice of cheesecake is much easier to devour and leave not a crumb in isolation.
Instead, I take to exploring culinary creativity with weird, special dishes. For my birthday, I’ve made fancy ramen or experimented with different spices in my curry. Something fun with leftovers I can eat the rest of the week. A practical if extravagant use of time.
I found during those isolated years no one was able to call and wish me happy birthday. I somewhat forgot that was a thing honestly. This year, however, I am awaiting a start date for a new job while living with my partner in Oklahoma. For once, I have cell service.
I am taken aback by the amount of people that call to wish me happy birthday. I spend the morning lounging in bed catching up on the phone with family and friends.
Robert and I debate what special breakfast to have. He jokes he should have made me breakfast in bed, but he’s out of practice cooking. Instead, he helps as we make breakfast tacos. Nothing fancy. Yet my goodness do I love corn tortillas, scrambled eggs, sausage, and cholula.
I pick up lunch between phone calls while Robert cleans the house. The muggy air breezes past with rolled down windows. My head is in the clouds. I meander the grocery store for cheesecake. For a moment I considered getting a bunch of cheese for a fancy cheese platter. But I’d probably be the only one to eat them, so back they go. I also went for a very small cheesecake for the same reason.
As it turns out, my friends brought various assortments of cakes and ice cream. Utterly delicious desserts! Hadn’t even crossed my mind and now my fridge is FULL of desserts for the week.
Pride Month: Celebrations of Many Kinds
Right before friends come over, I call my siblings. My brother always, always calls on my birthday. Even when he has to leave a voicemail and wait for my call back weeks later. His is often the lone Happy Birthday song I listen to with a heart full of gratitude. When he answers, his girlfriend immediately pipes up that he’d been reminding himself all day since 9am when they stood on the start of the race line. They would have called earlier but they were using every bit of daylight to finish hanging gutters. Ah my responsible, go getter brother! We all share exciting new plans for their trip to visit us over the summer.
Rae, however, forgot it was my birthday altogether. They were so excited for the start of Pride Month, that June 01 meant nothing more than Ferndale Pride festival and a night of celebrating with their many queer friends. Amen to that though!
Beautifully, Rae ran into our cousin who transitioned a number of years ago. He hadn’t come to any family gatherings since. We always felt guilt that we hadn’t reached out more to reassure him of our love and support. None of us had his number, and he’s not on social media. We became isolated. Over the years, one of my siblings has come out as bisexual and genderfluid. Rae is nonbinary. And I’m queer, bisexual, forever exploring gender.
Rae shared this news with our cousin in joy as he introduced his wife and announced they are trying for a baby this year. Nothing can make up for the torn relationships. But perhaps their reuniting brought some extra joy to our cousin’s celebrations for Pride Month. He undoubtedly had an influence on the bravery of my siblings to come out.
I’ve been going through old journals to explore, play around with, and share times I’ve written about Deerfield Hills. Ironically, the next chronological section is from the time I came out as bisexual. There’s such a pressure to write the most beautiful and meaningful coming out story. I keep stumbling over the pages I wrote then and struggling to find beauty in the story. The words don’t seem to capture the kaleidoscopic life of Deerfield Hills, Pride month, a summer to remember with friends, coming out, and the turmoil of still being in love with a friend who was mostly out of my life by then.
I want to write something meaningful, connective, and poetic of course. At the same time, I’m wildly in love with Robert. I use to joke I’m bisexual but really 95% lesbian and 5% straight. Ironic to find that one man and meld so beautifully with him. It’s strange to spend more than a decade in the throws of identity only to end up in a very heteronormative relationship. Looking back to shape that story is something I’m sure I’ll be doing over and over as I grow older and deeper in my relationships with myself and with Robert.
There’s still so much to uncover in myself! I always wonder what life will look like next Pride month, not just because it’s June and my birthday, but because it’s an international celebration of a part of myself it took so long to be comfortable with and parts of myself I’m still exploring. I think many come out during Pride month like I did all those years ago. Many even get married during this special month. It’s special to think of all the anniversaries and extra significant memories we get to share together this month.
Life’s Little Dreams
Sometime in high school I saw the idea for a different kind of bucket list. Instead of an epic lifetime bucket list, someone had a new little one each year. 15 things to do before 16 years old. Or 29 before 30. They don’t have to be big to dos or expensive bucket list items. Just little things to add excitement to the year to come.
Every year I scribble down a little list and let the year progress how it goes. I’m always surprised to look back and see how many things naturally get checked off. Perhaps the silliest one was to lose my virginity by the time I turn 25. Half-joke, half-whimsy, I squeaked that in just a month short with no memory of writing that intention down!
Often I check in on the list a month or two before my next birthday. It’s spring and life is stirring. Inevitably I find a few exciting ideas to bang out in the final months before I lap the sun again.
This year I have no idea what life will look like. When will I move? What will my job really be like when I’m living it day to day? What adventures will Robert and I go on? What new friendships will I form? How much writing will I actually get done?
Rather than stress about the big dreams, I want to return to life’s little dreams, the small bucket list. So to end this very long birthday post, here’s 28 things to do before I turn 29.
Basket weaving: Okay, this is really one of those big bucket list items for me. One of my longest held dream. But I’m determined to finally pursue it this year!
Publish a collection of Deerfield Hills essays. I guess we’re not going so little on the list?
Write my Cottonwood essay that traverses water crises, land management, and fire cycles across the US interwoven with people’s personal and spiritual connections to cottonwoods from Michigan to the Southwest.
Lead a journaling workshop
Take a stained glass class. A dream but financially probably won’t be this year. It would be pretty epic though!
Attend a live model drawing session
Felt a landscape of Taos
Join a writing group
Sew all my patches on more securely to my jean jacket. So many are falling off, and I’ve averaged one patch a year to reattach. I need to step that up a bit.
Make a cyanotype printing
Continue writing postcards to friends
Make more microvideos of slow moving water and plants. This is a personal joyful, meditative practice that grounds me in nature by forcing me to slow down. It’s a practice I often forget to engage in. I want to be more intentional, especially since it’s just for me and not usually posted.
Play with embroidery. I learned a bit in my felting class, and I want to explore on random clothes.
Make more linocuts and actually print them!
Apply to more writing grants and artists residencies. I applied to my first this year and didn’t get it, but it wasn’t as scary as I’d thought it’d be.
Submit an essay (or two or three) for publication
Submit a few poems for publication
I guess that means I ought to be writing more poetry
Keep journaling regularly. A freebie but a fun one!
Type up at least a journal every 2-3 months. I was overly ambitious about typing a journal a month this year. So far I’m almost done with 3. Better than nothing!
Make fruit leather
Make more dahl and curries. I haven’t cooked as much Indian food this year, and I miss it tremendously. Plus those bags of dahl are not going to cook themselves.
Fiddle around on the ukulele more
Finally purchase a mountain dulcimer?
Enjoy all the camping we’ll do in Twin Lakes and Colorado. Get friends and family to join us! (Okay, we’ve already got plans for this, so it’s not that hard to check off the list, but I’m counting down the days to those good old mountain climbing days!)
Damn it’s hard to make lists this long. I’d be happy if I pick up watercolors once or twice this year. But honestly, no big deal if not.
See as many full moon rises as I can. We’ve been on a roll this year with 4 full moon rises. It’s been such a treasured new tradition as we try to be on top of a mountain for each one.
Visit the nature preserve in Albuquerque when the sandhill cranes are overwintered there.
There, I suppose. Not too bad. Some ambitious, some silly. Some achievable, some dreamy. Regardless of what this year ahead looks like, it will be a beautiful one full of people I love. I’m so grateful for this last year. I hope everyone has a happy pride month and a wonderful summer solstice coming up!
Overall this year, it was a simple birthday, yet full of more friends and family than I’ve had in years. Friends came over for burgers. They spun fire in the backyard. Kaleigh spun with her hula hoop and an owl flew over her head. We all gasped with wonder. Our night was blessed with the dark mysterious. We stayed up late hanging out. Then one by one they slipped away. And at long last, we went to bed.
I woke the next morning to enjoy coffee and cheesecake. A beautiful, mysterious year ahead.
